at worst, between us, its good.

today i was in school and i did some good productive studying. actually it was good, but i was very slow. but thats partly because i spent time going through everything and trying to absorb everything properly before i go on. but i guess thats just the price of not paying attention during lectures. i can't afford to do this for everything though, there just isn't enough time.

then i spoke to you and everything went downhill. i need to do some serious thinking about this. aside from the whole getting along thing, i know there's more to it than that so i'm not even going to consider that yet. i think there's something more basic to consider. like what is it that i feel about you, and whether this is something that's going to last? and whether its alright to feel like this. i feel guilty, because i've already got something to think about and then you came along and i almost feel like it is an opportunity that i want to grab. that it might help me veer away from all the things i've been feeling over the last year, which is going nowhere. its just new, and its fresh and i want to have it.

but i think i'm getting more emotionally involved the more i think about it. at first it was just kind of a light thing, but from the moment i saw the slightest hint of possibility, i began getting very excited about it all. i think i like you because it might work. but i like you too, as a person. i think you're a very good person, and i know i could trust you. but today i realised how very, very, very little i know about you. maybe if i got to know you better i will find something about you that i don't like, although i really doubt it. this is exactly what it was like with j* last year. it was such an immature relationship because you need to dislike and like, in order to be mature about things. but a part of me doesn't want to be mature about anything, i just want to dive into it without thinking about consequences because that's been so hard already. but what if i get to know you and find out more real things about you, other than the fact that you're nice and you're funny. like darker things about you. like about who YOU like. i got a taste of that yesterday and it made my heart sink. but maybe if i'm around you more when you're serious, and when you're thinking, it might make me like you even more. i don't know.

i guess what everyone says is right, that there's nothing i can do now i just have to give it some time. to see where it goes. no point being impatient.

sometimes i get the feeling everyone knows what i'm thinking, or what im saying to others about other people. and its just really scary, because i think the whole world would hate me, everyone would think i was such a bitch if they knew the things i was thinking, or saying. or they would just think i was really, really weird and not want to talk to me anymore. because i think about people in very different ways from most people, i think. i think i choose to relate to people on different basis' from how others choose to relate to me, or people in general. but i dont know because nobody talks about these things. so for all you know everyone could be thinking the same thing. and you know what, i am SO over the trying to be different from everyone else thing. really. i think i must work on trying to get along with people better, i can be such a git sometimes.