it bothers me that i'm wallpaper to everyone.

like people come and tell me things out of obligation, and when they really need someone to talk to, i'm never the one they call. mostly the old friends, who've moved on to other people.

maybe partly because i've made them? by not being there all the time, which i couldn't help. by changing. is it my fault for changing? doesn't everyone? dunno what everyone thinks of me, and i'm beginning to care less and less. but i'm scared that by caring less abt what they think of me, they will think less of me because they know that i don't care anyway. anyway, its gotta be a conscious thing, this lack of caring.

what bothers me most is that i really think we're pretty close, but you never seem happy to see me in the mornings, you never tell me things before you tell them things, i'm always the fourth in line to being any form of influence in your life. in fact, i think if i stopped being your friend, or if i didn't exist anymore in your life, you wouldn't miss me much.

***

maybe she's right. maybe i really am losing my morals. i remember years ago i actually had real morals, written down somewhere, atleast in my head, in black and white. and i never compromised on them. and with everyone decision i have made since then that has compromised on one of those morals, i have found it harder and harder to go back.

yeah so i'm more liberal now. because i don't think things are that simple. like it isn't always good to do x, and it isn't always bad to do y. and to say that all people who do x are bad people is just crazy, and its not easy not to do x when everyone else is doing it, and few people understand your logic, and then you start not to understand your own logic anymore. and really, people with too many morals have fewer friends. don't know if its a spurious correlation or a real direct link, but thats just always the way it is. but it scares me a bit because if i don't have real black and white moral decisions (although i most certainly have moral direction, and an internal moral compass), what do i do in the face of something that isn't clear? i can't rely on others. i've relied on others too much, and everyone's going to say a different thing, and it becomes too complicted a system- do you listen to those who matter the most to you? how do you decide who matters more? do you listen to those you admire for their morals, and their priorities, and their sensibility? how do you know they're always right? why do you even admire them? then you just end up creating a human benchmark, which is not a foolproof system because people make mistakes. and you cannot depend on anyone else to be your ultimate moral guide. no, not even your parents.

also, i'm beginning to feel less and less like people know me anymore.
but saying all this feels like secthree me. so i don't feel like myself anymore, admitting these things, or even feeling them. this isn't me. i'm never worried abt things like this. i've never had a reason to. its been so long since i have, i feel a little out of touch.

and i wonder who i can talk to without feeling like a burden.
yeah, i'm becoming more of a private person.

come what may

Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
Want to vanish inside your kiss
Every day I love you more and more

Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings
Come back to me, and forgive everything
Seasons may change, winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time

Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you

And there's no mountain too high
No river too wide
Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather
And stars may collide
But I love you until the end of time

Oh, come what may, come what may
I will love you, I will love you
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place

shalom in the home

i guess, if i wanted to, i could go talk to her now. i wouldn't be able to make things okay but i could go talk to her.

she said all these things that she has never said before. sometimes, in the past, i really wished she would just spit it out. because what good is holding it all in? i know i'm a hard kid to raise, just express how far from content you are and maybe we'll all be a little more comfortable because we're all a little more honest. but i guess it hurt more than i thought it would. i think i'm not used to honesty; i think i give out a lot more honesty than i receive.

its very refreshing to receive honesty from people around you, like b*. i love it that she is honest, and that she doesn't feel a need to fake things with me because she knows i won't judge her. but things are always different with your mother. i wonder how she felt, giving birth to me. i wonder if, everytime she feels upset with me or with who i've become, she recalls giving birth to me and the pain she went through to do that.

she's right. she's made so many sacrifices, she's given up on so many things for me. but i never, ever, ever thought she would say i was a waste of all of that. i didn't see that coming. i thought something a little lighter? like hey, maybe you should work harder to make up for all the things i've given up for you. i can't believe she gave up a promotion to spend time with me. i mean realistically speaking, i can't believe it. because i know its not as noble as she makes it seem. i know there must be more factors than that, there's never only one. like for instance, i know she doesn't even like her job that much anyway. and by 'spend time with you' i guess she meant, atleast in part, look after you, make sure you're eating, make sure you're studying, and all of that.

it really disturbs me how she can live a life only for her family. how she has no friends. it must be an awful sort of half-life. yet at the same time i can't imagine her doing anything else, as much as i wish for her to go out and have her own life sometimes. i guess i've grown very used to it already.

she's right. i never admit it to her, but she's right. sometimes i can't wait to get out of home. but it isn't because i don't love her, she is the one single person in the world i love more than anything else, or anyone else. its just that sometimes its a little overwhelming, and i want to know what its like to be out there, on my own. i want to know what its like to make mistake and not have someone shield me, and i want to know what its like to face the world without a mama duck behind me, quacking the enemies away.


i guess its also a relief for her, and i sure as hell hope she didn't mean of all what she's said. but she's said it, and even if it was in a moment of anger, it must have meant something for it to come out a harshly as it did. i don't want to belittle it and say that she didn't mean it. of course she must have meant it. and yes, it hurts to read message after message of your own mother calling you ungrateful, telling you you're not worth what she's given up, and telling you that she never expected anything from (out of?) you. but she's already said it and she can't take it back. and i won't forget that she said all of it. and a little part of me wishes that everything will go back to normal tmr morning but something tells me it won't, and this is some sort of turning point in our relationship.

i really do hate fighting with her, and i wish she would put aside her ego and pride to come talk to me because i'm ready to do the same.

it isn't my fault. really. he forgot to print out the script, and i was patient and i asked him nicely and he blew up at me. it really is not my fault.

you know i really just want to stop. i don't know why im continuing with this violin thing, when i'm not extremely emotionally attached to it. and i'm getting nowhere. and the amount of commitment it takes to get anywhere is not something i am willing or able to put in, especially not this year. or i could just drop to once a week, and choose not to do the exam. so i will still be playing by name, just balancing both. this seems like the rational thing to do.

they can't make me do anything. i can do what i choose. they can only suggest things, really . and use it against me for life of course.

at worst, between us, its good.

today i was in school and i did some good productive studying. actually it was good, but i was very slow. but thats partly because i spent time going through everything and trying to absorb everything properly before i go on. but i guess thats just the price of not paying attention during lectures. i can't afford to do this for everything though, there just isn't enough time.

then i spoke to you and everything went downhill. i need to do some serious thinking about this. aside from the whole getting along thing, i know there's more to it than that so i'm not even going to consider that yet. i think there's something more basic to consider. like what is it that i feel about you, and whether this is something that's going to last? and whether its alright to feel like this. i feel guilty, because i've already got something to think about and then you came along and i almost feel like it is an opportunity that i want to grab. that it might help me veer away from all the things i've been feeling over the last year, which is going nowhere. its just new, and its fresh and i want to have it.

but i think i'm getting more emotionally involved the more i think about it. at first it was just kind of a light thing, but from the moment i saw the slightest hint of possibility, i began getting very excited about it all. i think i like you because it might work. but i like you too, as a person. i think you're a very good person, and i know i could trust you. but today i realised how very, very, very little i know about you. maybe if i got to know you better i will find something about you that i don't like, although i really doubt it. this is exactly what it was like with j* last year. it was such an immature relationship because you need to dislike and like, in order to be mature about things. but a part of me doesn't want to be mature about anything, i just want to dive into it without thinking about consequences because that's been so hard already. but what if i get to know you and find out more real things about you, other than the fact that you're nice and you're funny. like darker things about you. like about who YOU like. i got a taste of that yesterday and it made my heart sink. but maybe if i'm around you more when you're serious, and when you're thinking, it might make me like you even more. i don't know.

i guess what everyone says is right, that there's nothing i can do now i just have to give it some time. to see where it goes. no point being impatient.

sometimes i get the feeling everyone knows what i'm thinking, or what im saying to others about other people. and its just really scary, because i think the whole world would hate me, everyone would think i was such a bitch if they knew the things i was thinking, or saying. or they would just think i was really, really weird and not want to talk to me anymore. because i think about people in very different ways from most people, i think. i think i choose to relate to people on different basis' from how others choose to relate to me, or people in general. but i dont know because nobody talks about these things. so for all you know everyone could be thinking the same thing. and you know what, i am SO over the trying to be different from everyone else thing. really. i think i must work on trying to get along with people better, i can be such a git sometimes.

just for me, only today

today was a nice icekimo afternoon, talking about life and living and loving and fucking (or not). i like afternoons like these but i suspect i won't have many more of them, because soon we will be all caught up in everything. and once we're done untangling ourselves we'll be off.

this morning was nice, because i finally got a punch back.
you were right, am i not happy with the way things are? the answer is yes, i am.

by the way, what do you think is the criterion? i am not very confused about it, but i am a little. only to the extent that i want to know what the right decision is, if i make it. i doubt i will do anything about this one, because i always screw things up when i start it and i think it might just be a trend.

i just felt like coming back here,
i decided i miss the brown of this page, and it has stopped infuriating me.

i don't know who reads this anymore, and frankly i've learnt not to really care. its been a while, and i don't know if i'm back for good but sedder just feels more like home, and more like me