shalom in the home
i guess, if i wanted to, i could go talk to her now. i wouldn't be able to make things okay but i could go talk to her.
she said all these things that she has never said before. sometimes, in the past, i really wished she would just spit it out. because what good is holding it all in? i know i'm a hard kid to raise, just express how far from content you are and maybe we'll all be a little more comfortable because we're all a little more honest. but i guess it hurt more than i thought it would. i think i'm not used to honesty; i think i give out a lot more honesty than i receive.
its very refreshing to receive honesty from people around you, like b*. i love it that she is honest, and that she doesn't feel a need to fake things with me because she knows i won't judge her. but things are always different with your mother. i wonder how she felt, giving birth to me. i wonder if, everytime she feels upset with me or with who i've become, she recalls giving birth to me and the pain she went through to do that.
she's right. she's made so many sacrifices, she's given up on so many things for me. but i never, ever, ever thought she would say i was a waste of all of that. i didn't see that coming. i thought something a little lighter? like hey, maybe you should work harder to make up for all the things i've given up for you. i can't believe she gave up a promotion to spend time with me. i mean realistically speaking, i can't believe it. because i know its not as noble as she makes it seem. i know there must be more factors than that, there's never only one. like for instance, i know she doesn't even like her job that much anyway. and by 'spend time with you' i guess she meant, atleast in part, look after you, make sure you're eating, make sure you're studying, and all of that.
it really disturbs me how she can live a life only for her family. how she has no friends. it must be an awful sort of half-life. yet at the same time i can't imagine her doing anything else, as much as i wish for her to go out and have her own life sometimes. i guess i've grown very used to it already.
she's right. i never admit it to her, but she's right. sometimes i can't wait to get out of home. but it isn't because i don't love her, she is the one single person in the world i love more than anything else, or anyone else. its just that sometimes its a little overwhelming, and i want to know what its like to be out there, on my own. i want to know what its like to make mistake and not have someone shield me, and i want to know what its like to face the world without a mama duck behind me, quacking the enemies away.
i guess its also a relief for her, and i sure as hell hope she didn't mean of all what she's said. but she's said it, and even if it was in a moment of anger, it must have meant something for it to come out a harshly as it did. i don't want to belittle it and say that she didn't mean it. of course she must have meant it. and yes, it hurts to read message after message of your own mother calling you ungrateful, telling you you're not worth what she's given up, and telling you that she never expected anything from (out of?) you. but she's already said it and she can't take it back. and i won't forget that she said all of it. and a little part of me wishes that everything will go back to normal tmr morning but something tells me it won't, and this is some sort of turning point in our relationship.
i really do hate fighting with her, and i wish she would put aside her ego and pride to come talk to me because i'm ready to do the same.
she said all these things that she has never said before. sometimes, in the past, i really wished she would just spit it out. because what good is holding it all in? i know i'm a hard kid to raise, just express how far from content you are and maybe we'll all be a little more comfortable because we're all a little more honest. but i guess it hurt more than i thought it would. i think i'm not used to honesty; i think i give out a lot more honesty than i receive.
its very refreshing to receive honesty from people around you, like b*. i love it that she is honest, and that she doesn't feel a need to fake things with me because she knows i won't judge her. but things are always different with your mother. i wonder how she felt, giving birth to me. i wonder if, everytime she feels upset with me or with who i've become, she recalls giving birth to me and the pain she went through to do that.
she's right. she's made so many sacrifices, she's given up on so many things for me. but i never, ever, ever thought she would say i was a waste of all of that. i didn't see that coming. i thought something a little lighter? like hey, maybe you should work harder to make up for all the things i've given up for you. i can't believe she gave up a promotion to spend time with me. i mean realistically speaking, i can't believe it. because i know its not as noble as she makes it seem. i know there must be more factors than that, there's never only one. like for instance, i know she doesn't even like her job that much anyway. and by 'spend time with you' i guess she meant, atleast in part, look after you, make sure you're eating, make sure you're studying, and all of that.
it really disturbs me how she can live a life only for her family. how she has no friends. it must be an awful sort of half-life. yet at the same time i can't imagine her doing anything else, as much as i wish for her to go out and have her own life sometimes. i guess i've grown very used to it already.
she's right. i never admit it to her, but she's right. sometimes i can't wait to get out of home. but it isn't because i don't love her, she is the one single person in the world i love more than anything else, or anyone else. its just that sometimes its a little overwhelming, and i want to know what its like to be out there, on my own. i want to know what its like to make mistake and not have someone shield me, and i want to know what its like to face the world without a mama duck behind me, quacking the enemies away.
i guess its also a relief for her, and i sure as hell hope she didn't mean of all what she's said. but she's said it, and even if it was in a moment of anger, it must have meant something for it to come out a harshly as it did. i don't want to belittle it and say that she didn't mean it. of course she must have meant it. and yes, it hurts to read message after message of your own mother calling you ungrateful, telling you you're not worth what she's given up, and telling you that she never expected anything from (out of?) you. but she's already said it and she can't take it back. and i won't forget that she said all of it. and a little part of me wishes that everything will go back to normal tmr morning but something tells me it won't, and this is some sort of turning point in our relationship.
i really do hate fighting with her, and i wish she would put aside her ego and pride to come talk to me because i'm ready to do the same.
posted by sedder at 8:05 pm
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